This moment matters

During my last visit to my oncologist on April 11th, he asked me if I had scheduled to get my port removed. I said not yet.  He asked why and I really couldn’t give him a clear answer other than it doesn’t really bother me, so I’m not in any hurry to get it removed.  But in some strange way that I can’t explain the port is a symbol of the journey.  It has meaning as the avenue for the drugs that attacked the evilness that was attempting to overtake my body.  So I haven’t been in a hurry to have it removed.  It’s been a welcome companion that made the treatments less invasive, more tolerable, etc.  Is it fair to say that removing the port becomes a tangible way to express the end of the journey?

And yet, within me there remains the honest acknowledgement that the journey is never really over, not fully.  When people ask me: “How you doing?”  I will say I feel great or I’m doing very well.  And then the qualifier: “Hopefully that doesn’t change” or “Praying for that to continue.”  There’s ALWAYS the caveat.  Because everyone who has been down this path know.  We all feel it.  We all live with it.  I suspect we are all good at keeping it below the surface and living in the moment.  I, and probably many others have become experts at living in the moment.

On Monday, September 29, I had my first CT scans since April.  No PET scan this time (woohoo!).  It’s been nearly 6 months since the last scans were done and I was declared in remission or no evidence of disease(NED).  And I pray these scans comes back clean. I go back on Thursday to talk to Dr Bartok and get the scan results.  If,... no, WHEN they do, I have made the decision to have my port removed as a way to live in the moment.  My birthday is in November, so it will be my early birthday present to myself.  Because, birthdays are not guaranteed and they should be celebrated whether you are 6 or 63!  In that moment I will celebrate and embrace how my life has been changed over the past 18 months.  In a strange, yet beautiful way, I will miss my precious companion. It has become a part of me and a symbol of the fight and helped me get to a state of remission or NED. So it's time for my port to come out so I feel it physically, believe it fully and live it abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.  –John 10:10

Update:

Test results came back into MyChart this morning. Always a bit hesitant to look. But no matter what they may be, I'm resolved to move forward in faith not fear.

Impression

1. No evidence of new or worsening metastatic disease or lymphoma in the neck, chest, abdomen, or pelvis. Target left axillary lymph node and targeted central mesenteric lymph node are again nonenlarged. Differences in measurement could be due to technical factors, including small positional changes and slice thickness related to small sizes. 2. Additional chronic findings as above.